If you had the chance to have a one-on-one conversation with any individual living or dead, who would that be? Explain why you chose that person and what you would like to speak to them about.

Moon Face

I’m actually very familiar with Narcissism, one (annoying) relative of mine has a head as big as the moon - we shall call him Moon Face from here on. Moon Face is egotistic, attention seeking, talks non-stop, BIGGG ego, fragile self-esteem. I wonder if he was born that way, or was he shaped by his environment. Is he overcompensating? Or does he truly think he’s the gift of Gods. But thinking deeper about his behaviour made me realise that his actions are merely the extreme ends of a very big spectrum. Most of us yearn to be heard, we like (if not love) attention, we like it when we’re confident - these traits don’t make us narcissists. What makes it narcissistic I guess is when the behaviour affects others in a negative way.

I have a fear that my practice of self love will be misunderstood, or misjudged by others for being vain and selfish. I’m very conscious of not “overdoing” my self love, aware that self love and narcissistic tendencies are separated by a mere hairline. What I have found in thinking about, and researching on this topic, is that self love are driven very much by the values one hold. For instance, in Ancient Greece, the saying “know thyself”, thought to have originated from Socrates, means to understand oneself, and perhaps more importantly to accept oneself. For example, I have come to accept my mathematic challenges, and feel at peace with it instead of beating myself up for it. I don’t feel the need to beat my chest over anything, especially over what I'm good at. But just as much, I won’t allow others to talk down to me, or put me down to dent my confidence.

Civility

I think the fine line between narcissism and self love is civility. ‘Civility’ comes from Latin civilis "relating to a citizen, relating to public life, befitting a citizen; popular, affable, courteous". Rather than looking at what virtuous means, which can be cheesy and preachy, let’s look at what it is not. Being virtuous is not impulsive acts for self interest, it is not scheming for benefits, it is not to harm others, or deflate other people’s self-worth, it is not to disrupt the operation and formal rituals of the community. Being uncivil, for one’s own benefit, interest, and vanity, is to be narcissistic. It’s no wonder the Greek philosopher Aristotle believed that only the most virtuous and civil have the right to love themselves. Self love therefore, is a practice that balances one’s own interest and respect with those of others - I think.

Narcissus - misunderstood

Today, a narcissist could mean two things: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or the casual labelling of narcissism. Symptoms of narcissism include sense of self importance, engrossment with power and beauty, entitlement, arrogance, lack of empathy, and desire for admiration. Those presenting these symptoms are often diagnosed with NPD, and are stereotyped as negative emotional vampires. So what causes this behaviour? The assumed cause is hubris and overestimation of one’s capabilities. However, narcissism can also stem from the opposite: shame and lack of self esteem. Individuals may desire an image that allows them to “coexist” with others, creating an identity that they accept. Therefore, perhaps what a narcissist needs is not praise and blame, but encouragement.

So far, all the character traits associated with our contemporary meaning of narcissism would turn Narcissus in his grave. Narcissus wasn’t told to be egotistic, or arrogant, or acted to sabotage other people’s interest for his own benefit. If we are to psycho-analyse this Greek mythology, I would argue that the key phrase in the story is when Tiresias predicted that Narcissist would live a long life only if he never "came to know himself”. To me that is the key. No one is perfect, I argue that knowing himself would’ve actually saved Narcissus, because he would see his flawed and imperfect self, as much and as heavily his beautiful self. The key to this virtuous life is to balance these two, to love thyself, and to accept and work on thy imperfections. For my relative Moon Face, I think the opposite is true, perhaps he sees his imperfections so much so that he has trouble accepting them; leading him to overcompensate in the process and becoming uncivil. Narcissus and Moon Face therefore, reside on the opposite sides of the same coin.

If I could speak to Narcissus today, I would ask him if he knew the person in the reflection was himself. If he didn’t know he fell in-love with himself, then this is a tragic story of someone who couldn't live without a loved one, it is admirable, and romantic. The only difference between the Narcissus story, and say Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Orpheus and Eurydice, is that we laugh at Narcissus’s silliness for not realising he fell in love with himself. Then again, how many of us truly know ourselves consciously, and how many of us actually face head on to accept our own flaws and our strengths? Note to myself: judge less, love more.